FLICKERS OF HOPE

This is related to my previous blog. As you may already know, my mom has a breast cancer. The daunting task of finding the necessary funds is still elusive from my grasp. That's why I abruptly cut short the period of denial into acceptance when I heard of my moms' predicament. I have to find ways as soon as possible because the chemotherapy will start very shortly and I'm pressed for time. How much more, I'm the only child and I'm also guiding and encouraging my mom, way back in the Philippines. Plus, I have to be strong and healthy coz everything hinges on me.

I was enthrusted to make decisions as early as 13 y.o. not by choice but by necessity. My mom was still coping of the tragic loss of my late dad. He was the only one who makes the decisions all along. I would admit I made mistakes, but I learn and let live.

While waiting for my mom's chemo, my mom does all the religious activities for her early recovery while I do the financial leg work. A two prong approach. I'm also prepping up my mom's attitude what to expect and what to do during the chemotherapy. It's already hard for her to accept that she has the Big C so any bit of encouragement especially coming from me goes a long way. Coz during the length of the therapy, deppression would set in and the the last thing I want to hear, is for my mom to give up on life. I told her, if you start feeling that, think about me and the rest of your family who are fighting for you to live, we still want you here. I encouraged her to go to the Carmelite monastery. I have great faith in them, they help me, guide me in all major undertakings, through the power of prayers.

It took me awhile to drum up my mom's ego and lifting up her spirit. But, it's wasn't a walk in the park, our plan almost got derailed. We encountered unsolicited advises from people who are very close to my mom. What upsets me most was that her plan to proceed with chemo was being questioned. Not going into details, i did not like it any bit of it. So, I basically went back to square one prepping up my mom again. They think its that easy to gave up on someone you love most - she's the only one left in my life.

I haven't have much good sleep lately considering I have to deal with a lot of pressing issues all at one time, I guess being a seasoned nurse also helps me make multi-tasking a little bit easier. One night, I rang a person very close to my heart. I poured out my heart and soul, the things at hand is already getting out of control. The most problematic is the funding issue. I'm still thousands of dollars way off and I'm afraid I can't fulfill my promise to my mom. With my friends soothing words and sometimes tough love, I could have been lost especially if you're the affected. Thanks to my friend that night, my chest becomes lighter and my mind becomes clearer. It's not that I cried I lost the machismo in me, it's one of my defense mechanism to deal with overwhelming problem/s. Some people commit suicide coz they don't let steam off, they implode.

That very night as I was driving the freeway from Orange County, I get off an exit, just trying to relax. Not going into details, it came into my mind all of a sudden, the ways to close in the financial gap. Now, the goal is within reach. Earlier in the day, I was also deeply moved by my co-worker's initiative, standing up for me while the rest wasn't. She started a fundraising campaign at my workplace. Now, they're even planning to do bake sales for a cause, or even garage sales for a cause. Never in my life anyone would do such a thing for me, it's the other way around.

So to end this blog, looking at a distance, I am very happy and greatful person, that I found my flickers of light, if its not for them, I could be lost, especially, the power of prayers. I know, the battle for my mom's cancer is at a crossroad, hope she can make it, I LOVE YOU MOM.

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